November 1, 2012 
Every day, I read the accounts of assault, harassment and public degradation of women through the @everydaysexism Twitter feed. It’s disturbing.
No, it’s appalling.
Who are these blokes? What do they think they’re doing?
Here are some recent tweets; and these are typical of what comes through every, single day.
- at a club with friends, guy comes up to me, says ‘get your tits out’ and pulls my top down. Security does nothing.
- To the guy who likes to slows dwn his car & shout at me whilst I walk to work, get a life you perve
- went swimming, man gets into pool & continually asks female lifeguard if allowed to pretend to drown so she can “save” him.
- my 13yo niece was groped in a fast food place at 9pm.”You shouldn’t be out this late then” – His reply when challenged
- 2 boys (max 13) ring door + ask if I’ll sponsor them for charity, say no, they then ask me if I’ll shag them instead.
- A stranger tried to lift me up by my waist on the street. When I blocked his attack, he punched me in the stomach
- Man thrust behind me to amuse other male passengers on train. Apparently the idea of sex with unwitting women=comedy gold…
- Friend + I were fondled/pursued by exhibitionist offering us $ for sex at station. Security officer told us to “ignore him”
- walking down road with 12yr old daughter, man leers *hello laaaddiiess* how do i show her a good response?
- NZ friend told they wouldn’t be given the job as she was of childbearing age and they’d need to pay parental leave.
- Woman gets sexually harassed at work, tells boss, sent home pending investigation, no pay. Illegal?
Initially, you think to yourself – ‘Surely these must be isolated incidents, perpetrated by a small, depraved group of boofheads’. Then you read almost identical accounts from different women . . . every, single day. And you start to think, hang on, if this is happening so frequently, does this mean my mates are carrying on with this behaviour?
I don’t know what percentage of men act this way, but I know enough blokes to fairly assume that at some point in their lives, one or more of them has called out an offensive comment to a woman on the street. Made an unwanted sexual advance at work. Cracked a sexist, degrading joke. Perhaps even committed outright assault.
Who are these blokes?
And what is feeding their belief that this behaviour is acceptable? Is it the ongoing exploitation of women through pornography, advertising, television, movies, mainstream music, clothing – you name the pop culture element, it’s doing it – that teaches the world, men and women, that women are objects? Second rate ones at that.
Does this culture teach us that not only is it okay to abuse women, but they actually deserve it?
That they actually deserve to be called vile and degrading names while jogging on the street. That they’re fair game for shoving your hand down their shirt in a dimly lit nightclub. Or rubbing yourself up against them on a crowded bus. That they can have jobs, of course, but let’s not let them get carried away with ideas of equality. And certainly not a workplace free of sexual harassment.
Who are these blokes?
They’re you. And me. And your mates. And mine. And your husband, and your brother, and your boyfriend, and your father, and your son. They’re all of us in some way or another. All of us in varying degrees, whether we are outright misogynists or complicit bystanders in our everyday sexist culture.
I’m not ashamed of being a man. I’m not proud of it either. I did not earn my gender; it was not awarded to me through some merit-based system. But I can be proud, or ashamed, of what I do as a man; how I express my masculinity. We all can.
So, men. Be not the shameful gender. Be not the brutes perpetrating the everyday sexism that has come to haunt so many women’s lives. Be not the silent bystanders letting it happen.
Be respectful. Be kind. Be role models and advocates. Be loving. Be passionate. Be courageous.
Be everything the world tells you not to be.
Be men.
Brilliant guy! I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for being man enough to say it.
Thanks Calvin – appreciate your support!
how refreshing! thank you so much!!!
Pleasure, thanks for your support Verina.
Guy, thank you so much, men like you & Calvin (who I met earlier this year), should be role models for boys, rather than what they are usually presented with. I can confirm, that the examples you have given are not exaggerations, I have personally experienced this type of behaviour, (when I was in my 20′s), & regardless of who I turned to for help, was either accused of inviting the comments/harassment, or expected to accept it as “innocent” flirting. It was degrading, humiliating & very confusing for reasons too complex to explain here.
My daughters shouldn’t have to deal with these attitudes, but I’ve already had to deal with (last year), an incident where the grade 5 boys were trying to “touch” the girls while on the playground. The complacent “boys will be boys” attitude is wearing very, very thin.
I wish more men would understand the depth of, & value the love a respect of a woman who feels valued & respected as a woman.
Thanks for your comment Cathy. I totally agree that the “boys will be boys” mentality should never be used as an excuse or permission for sexist, degrading behaviour. We should be asking more of men in society than allowing such a damaging cop-out.
I’ve always thought “boys will be boys” to be a bit degrading to men. What do you think?
Ah, and BTW, I wish all men were like you.
Thank you Niha, you’re very kind.
I think ‘boys will be boys’ can be degrading because it suggests that, although men have grown beyond childhood, they can’t function as real adults. Behaving like juveniles, then, is not really their fault. But more often I’ve just heard it used as a paltry excuse for poor behaviour.
I think we’d be better off just asking men to be men!
That’s brilliant. I know my partner has been shocked and appalled by some of the accounts I have read him over the last few weeks of my following this project and I for one, as a woman feel ashamed of myself that I have never really taken account of what has been happening around me or responded adequately to it. I feel I have been letting myself and my daughter down but not any more. This project has made me open my eyes properly for the first time and I will no longer see a catcall as a compliment or merely tut at another assault on a dancefloor that ruins my evening. Time to stand up for ourselves ladies and tell them we won’t put up with it any more.
Well said Lisa! I think the great value of the @everydaysexism project is that it really does open your eyes to how widespread the problem is, and how damaging.It’s up to us to make a decision on how to respond and I stand by you in saying we won’t put up with it anymore.
I’ve been following Everyday Sexism for a while and had a lot of the same thoughts. Thanks for writing them down. I think it’s important to tell men about ES and get as many as possible following it, just to see what the world is like for many women, so I’ll be pointing people here to find out more.
Thanks Nick. Appreciate your support. I think you’ve hit on a critical point – ES is an opportunity for men to understand just how widespread and damaging the problem is. It has certainly been an education for me.
Reblogged this on The Many Hats Of This Ginger.
Thanks for the reblog!
Thanks Guy. I can sense your frustration that men’s abuse and violence against women is still so common, but with every conversation and reflection we gain a little progress.
Thanks Danny. Totally agree – we’ve got to keep talking and holding each other accountable as well.
Perfect!
Thank you
This is a good article. Thank you. It gives me hope that there are men who will speak out against misogyny, rather than dismissing the voices of women as though all of us were collectively delusional!
Thank you fikalo. Agree that men need to own the problem as well if we are to effect actual change.
Sometimes I wonder why other people in the street don’t challenge the men who are harassing me? It would be so amazing if just once, another person stepped in to defend me. I used to ignore it, but now I have decided to confront my abusers. I would feel so much more confident in doing that if I felt I had the support of the people around me. So often I feel people are pretending its not happening so they can go about their day and really that’s just passive acceptance that what is being done to me is ok. Thank you for this article
Thank you mairead. I too would like to see everyday sexism and harassment challenged. I think we need to keep speaking out in the hope it will influence people to change their behaviour.
Reblogged this on Ramblings of a northern lass and commented:
A man’s view on some male behaviours – refreshing
Thanks for the reblog – much appreciated!
Thank you for this article. It’s true sexism exists every day. I have had to deal with it many times myself. I have been groped on the train while standing at the door waiting to get out, had comments called out at me while walking, even had a police car pull up beside me and the officer wolf whistle through the loud speaker then drive off at the toll gates of the M4 freeway in Sydney. My ex-husband has asked me to wear sexy clothes to be noticed so that he can brag that I’m with him and has asked me to watch porn to see how he likes it and told me my facial expressions were not right during sex. A boss I had even asked all the girls in the office what size clothes we wore and told us anyone over a 10 is too big. It happens all the time and most people turn a blind eye. Women need to take some responsibility however. Dress provocatively and you should expect some comments. Many men think its their right. It is possible to dress beautifully without being sexual or flirtatious. If you want respect you need to deserve respect. Being flirtatious and stimulating men by wearing very little or very revealing clothes is not the way to earn it. Granted some men will think its their right to comment or take advantage regardless of what you wear but not all men are like that. Women who talk about sex as everyday conversations as if it is public information will also give the impression that you are fair game. It’s nobody’s business. Respect yourself in order to gain respect from others.
Thank you for sharing your experiences Aline. Sadly, it seems you are right that this kind of thing happens all the time. Let’s hope we can force change by speaking out against sexist behaviour.
“And what is feeding their belief that this behaviour is acceptable?”
Answer:
” Be not the silent bystanders letting it happen”
It is up to all of us as men (and women if at all possible) to be intolerant of this behaviour. To call the perpetrators on it. To shout back “that is NOT OK”
Living in the sticks, I rarely, if ever see such overt attacks. I hope that if I ever do, I’ll have the gumption not to ignore it.
Oh yes:
http://www.ihollaback.org/about/
Well said Tony. Thank you. May we all have the courage to stand against everyday sexist behaviour.